The feedback on the following events shouldn’t be told with a speech. it should be dwell along as you go with the story.

Across the seashore, I strolled. It’s warm here.

“You are my weakness that brought me to this mess. I live in it because that’s the only thing that’s left of you in me. But I’m sorry I let you hear those words”

I rearranged my daily routine to mask off myself the sins I've committed, the flawless lies I’ve told, the forbidden truth I beheld from you. That made you run. That made you leave me here alone with nothing to hold on to anymore, with no life dwelling in me as an empty shell, with no voice left to direct my heavy heart to, no sense of ownership to this relationship we once had, with no friend to bring me back home.

I once had that.

The path that consoles you, that path you walked along crying your heart out to him, or may it even be a her, the path where the lovely flowers kills the hideous earth and the fishes that had you felt the sense of longing to be free out in that person’s presence.. why cant I be those? Why can’t I be that person? Being blown off your chest the sorrows of the world you hold, the loneliness you bear, the tears you cry that fell into the river, blessed the souls of the forgotten, all of these by the wind your savior brought about effortlessly, truly I am jealous.
It might be fictional but at least there came a person like that in your mind. I wanted to intrude.

Walking past time across the house in the afternoon and the dreams at night that last till morning, they frighten me. For all I know, they aren’t true, they are just thoughts made up by the mind, desires of the heart that haunts you even in your sleep. Pathetic as I might sound, even to myself, I'm afraid of waking up not having you with me, having being alone, categorized as ‘myself’, with not the pair of hands that had always reached out when it needed me, when it longed for me, when it only goes to me and nowhere else.

He said you weren’t suppose to be in my plan, that you shouldn't be in it. He had friends, friend… he had friends. He had two of them. And I cant beat that. I didn’t wanted to lose you. Not that way.

You cared. You have to admit that. And when I thought you weren’t going to do anything about it and just let it be, you came, stood in front of me, with that confused face, yet you wouldn’t ask why. It might have been my loyalty that you found it easy to believe that I would soon go back to you, I would have loved to, I would have killed to erase this part of life in silence to whatever you were doing… But I didn’t. The cylings were dark in contras to that fair skin of yours. The light shining behind you, you yourself shone. Hands with books, probably the subject you love most, with your back facing me just few feet apart when we left. You were silent and so was I…… I liked that moment. Indeed I love that moment a lot. Footstep too discreet to be heard, trying to hard not to trip and ruin the moment. fist held too tightly, brains working too hard to think of the possibilities that might occur later and how I should respond. But the journey was too short, way too short for me to reflex on what had just happened, too short for me to sulk feeling blessed.

You see, all of these can only be told in past tense. Past tense that once were in present tense. But this doesn’t mean they hold the same meaning. We call them a they, therefore we speak of them as different individuals, in the same language but in different perspective. They say language beats morals. Change the language and you get a different culture, and in this the moral changes. And so to me, meaning beats perspective. Look at it at a different angle, you get different shades; with a different mind, you get a whole new show.
How I look at it isn’t really my concern, it’s how I live with it, how I get in terms with this current situation, how long I could actually live with it until I finally crack.
But until then I don’t know. I don’t know what to do, except sit and wait for him to change his mind.

Hey, it’s now winter in the other side of the world. I wonder how is she doing over there, probably blooming across the earth like the flower she is.
See the empty shell on the sand?... I wonder where it went.